My cat just sneezed directly into my eyeballs so I’ll probably be dead soon. Goodbye, guys. No, you can’t have my stuff.

What do you call a nun on a wheelchair Virgin mobile

Knock Knock Who’s there ! Bertha ! Bertha who ? Bertha-day greetings !

OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”

Girls dont dress up to impress guys. We dress up to impress other girls. If we wanted to impress guys we would just run around naked all day

Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for “Race,” I add a question mark and then write, “Anytime. Anywhere.”

I read in my girlfriend’s diary…… that I have real trust issues!! What a bunch of BS…

What’s the best thing about being a meth head? 1 sleep until Christmas.

I donated $10 to Bernie’s campaign Don’t worry ladies, I also donated $7.80 to Hilary.

Welcome to Ulterior Motors where our goal is to sell you a car and definitely not anything else