Best part of election night is seeing how fast states tabulate votes and judging the slow ones. What’s up, Sloth Carolina?!

What do you call a horse getting carried away with a magic marker? A zebra.

I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.

Wife says “sorry I have my period”. I said “that’s ok honey, that’s what the colon is for”!

Sometimes I scratch my balls and then smell my fingers. It’s not a big deal really

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but don’t ask me how they got in there.

Sex is a great way to get rid of stress, so go f*ck yourself and calm down

PSA: Always be careful around muesli. My friend drowned in muesli once. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.

Did you hear about the chef that died? He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history.