Fool me once, shame on me. Fool your Japanese father, shame on your whole family.

Unsettling sounds #23 – Ice-cream van after dark

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in a microwave until its Bill Withers

A woman goes into a doctor’s with a bit of lettuce sticking out the top of her panties. Doctor: Oh, that looks nasty. Woman: That’s just the tip of the iceberg doctor.

Give a banana to your uninvited house guest. Hold another banana up to your ear. Only respond to questions asked thru the “banana phone”.

What is the only group of cops who get in trouble when a black guy gets killed? secret service

The difference between dead babies and vegetables? I don’t eat my vegetables.

I relate to your inability to relate to people. Let’s talk about hanging out but never follow through.

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.

my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me