A friend asks his friend to tell him a joke. Friend A – Hey dude, tell me a joke. Friend B – Pussy. Friend A – I don’t get it? Friend B – I know you don’t.

Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill

Birth Paddy’s wife was ready to give birth so he rushes her to hospital.On arrival the nurse asks “How dilated is she?”To which paddy relies,”Oh Jaysus we”re both over the fucking moon!!..:)

What do a wife and a tornado have in common? First, they suck. Then, they blow. Finally, they take half your house.

This Halloween, I put a potato in my pants and ordered people around. I was a dictator.

Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.

People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.

My girlfriend is ambidextrose she can polish off a box of chocolates with either hand.

Just stabbed my uterus with a tampon.

Micky Mouse is in divorce court The judge says, “So you, uh, want to divorce your wife because she’s crazy?” And Mickey says, “Um, no, I think what you heard me say is that she’s fucking Goofy!”