I refused to waste money paying an exorcist… so he repossessed my house.

Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.

How to you make an octopus laugh? …you give it ten tickles

What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*

What does a straight man and spaghetti have in common? They are both straight until it gets hot.

Everything doesn’t “happen for a reason.” The universe is not aware of your existence. Stop being arrogant.

There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.

Things men would rather do than work to raise testicular cancer awareness: eat a sandwich, watch sports, fight, die of testicular cancer.

“HIV” is trending above “Grammys” because AIDS is better than the “music” that was nominated.

Jokes we made up when we were kids? I have one. Why did the boy band break up? They weren’t N’sync.