Just like my refrigerator… I open Reddit, just to be disappointed and close it.

Thanksgiving with the snail family I had the snail family from next door over for a big Thanksgiving dinner, they are still feeling sluggish this morning.

Policeman: I’ve had my eye on you for some time now. Young Lady: That’s funny. I thought you were arresting me for speeding.

A friend of mine is having her breasts enlarged. She’s paying for it with her endowment fund.

How do you get a guitar player to turn down his amp? Give him sheet music.

WIFE: *filing for divorce* ME: Are you mad at me?

Boss sent me a message the other day: *Send me some funny messages* I replied: *I’m working right now, I will send you later* Boss: *hahaha..send me another one*

What did the grape say when he was caught in bed with another fruit? “It was just a momentary lapse of raisin!”

What is the last thing to go through the mind of a suicide bomber? His own ass.

I read somewhere that only 2/11 jokes are funny. Well, what I read was that 9/11 jokes are never funny, but I like to be positive.