When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.

That awkward moment when you realize you were born roughly nine months after 4/20.

I wish cartoons would have prepared me for working and doing taxes instead of, like, quicksand

Why does my shampoo smell like gasoline? And when did my wife start smoking?

You can’t hear a pterodactyl pee… Because it’s silent.

I figure that its safe to ask. How are those New Year’s resolutions going?

What do you call a foreign born communist running for President? Ted Cruz

Teacher: I hope I didn’t see you looking at Fred’s test paper. Pupil: I hope you didn’t see me either!

Past, the present and the future.. The past, the present and the future all walk into a bar at the same time.. IT WAS TENSE!

“This is OnStar. How can we assist?” “What are you wearing?” “Do I need to get a supervisor?” “Like a threesome? Is that part of my plan?”