Where do modern-day pirates come from? Somaaaaaarlia

Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…

What do you call a pirate with polio? FD Arghhhh.

My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.

*co-worker approaching elevator* *I try to hit “close door” button* *I miss, hit “open door”* Co-worker: thanks for holding it Me: Of course

I ordered a horse from a rancher, but got a mule. Seems he half-assed it…

The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.

Why did the Canadian die after eating at an Olive Garden in Texas? He ordered “eh bowl a” soup.

When it comes to making jokes about heart palpitations I never skip a beat

Q: Have you heard about the Irish abortion clinic? A: There’s a 12-month waiting list.