i pinched out a bowel movement while reaching for a stool.

nsfw Was told this by my Italian coworker. Ever hear of an Italian tire? Dego here dego there and when they go flat dego wop wop wop!

How many feminists does it take to change a light-bulb? One to change it, thirty to write a book about it. :3

A Texan walked into a bar… The bartender asked, “You got any ID?” The Texan said, “’bout what?”

How did Donald Trump lose $916 million? Well he was handed everything in life. Have you seen his hands? Most of what he was gifted slipped right through.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? aye maighty

*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh

What did the pirate with a wheel in his pants say. Arr, I don’t know what it is but it’s drivin’ me nuts!

*makes plans with someone* (30 seconds later) what have I done

14: what could happen? Me: you could get her pregnant. 14: im not comfortable putting my dingaling in her thingaling Me:*writes suicide note