[interrogation] “What do u do for a living?” Jewel thief. “Louder for the tape.” [leans in] Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.

Q: Bill Hillary and Al are in a boat. The boat sinks. Who is saved? A: The United States of America.

pilot: [via intercom] if you dont shut up back there i will stop this plane co-pilot: [quieter] wont it fall out the sky pilot: not now gary

Me: I’m so tired I need to sleep. Ambien: Here I’ll help… Hey don’t forget to take off your clothes and pretend that you’re snow! Me: K

Valentines Day is the day that the “V” and “D” come together ..

How do you fit four gay guys on a bar stool? Get a really big bar stool.

Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?

Bill Gates: “So today I farted in an apple store and everybody was pissed… hey, its not my fault they dont have windows!”

My wife likes to talk to me after sex. It really bugs me when she calls me from her hotel room.

Did you hear ISIS blew up their first Italian recruit in a suicide bombing today? They decided to rig a Tony