Your huge boobs really bring out my eyes.

If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.

Whenever a bill collector calls I just give the phone to my toddler and tell her it’s Barney.

Why did the cowboy want to buy a wiener dog So he could ‘get a long little doggy’ Credit- my 12 year old daughter!

High cholesterol food will always have a special place in my heart.

I opened the door last night to carol singers & said “Do you know Silent Night?” “Yes” they replied “Well piss off then because I want one!”

An ESPN ad just popped up with, “Want to keep up with the Women’s NCAA Tournament? Click the link below!” Ha… ESPN, always the comedian.

my yoga teacher asked me how flexible I was I told her I couldn’t do Monday’s.

Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.

What did Michael Jackson ask his father’s mother when she slipped and fell to the ground? Granny are you okay,I said granny are you okay,are you okay granny?!