I’m appalled by the amount of sex, violence and profanity on TV. It’s too fucking low.

I stay up late every night and realize it was a bad idea every morning.

What do you do with a dead chemist? Barium

I’m a Responsible Gun Owner. I did the right thing and got my gun neutered. Now it just fires blanks.

What places have the least racial tensions? Bakeries, there are brownies and crackers there and yet they never fight.

What is the difference between a 2 year old and a bag of cocaine? Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out a window.

Teacher: In music if “f” means “forte” what does “ff” mean ? Pupil: Eighty

Was that pun intended? Nope, unintended.

I was going to smoke a joint with some Mexicans But when I asked if anyone had papers, they all ran off.

Jewish boy&father A jewish boy goes to his father and asks for 50 dollars. His father replies, 40 dollars? What do you need 30 dollars for?