Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either

Chuck norris doesn’t flush the toilet. He scares the shit out of it.

Difference between outlaws and inlaws? The outlaws are wanted.

I have a friend called Rick that was recently turned into cotton… we have to call him Threadrick now. I thought of this joke on the way to buy my lunch today, I hope it’s not already been made.

If two wrongs make a right… Then what do two wrights make? A plane.

Customer: Why does your sign say “Fine Dining”? Waiter: We can dream can’t we?

I hope Donald Trump becomes president. That way we can impeach him and all of USA can tell him “you’re fired”.

On this day in history, Cocoa Puffs were invented about 3 hours after that rabbit finally got his hands on a bowl of Trix.

Told a girl to text me when she got home. She must be homeless.

I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created