[sees kid crying at the mall] R u lost? [kid nods, wiping tears] Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now

Two penguins walk into a bar… Two penguins walk into a bar. They look around for a second and then one turn to the other and says, “God damn it, Frank! We overdressed!”

The best thing about Adrian Peterson’s suspension… …he gets to spend more time with the kids.

Have you heard about the one about suicidal procrastinator He lived a long healthy life.

Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven is a well known six offender.

What do a load of bricks and a 300 lb woman have in common? At some point they’ll both be laid by a Mexican.

I’d catch a gently thrown tennis ball for you.

Women and farting… Why do women hardly ever fart… Because they don’t shut their mouth long enough to build up any pressure.

Lord of the Rings marathon -Do you know what a Lord of the Rings marathon is? -Yes -But do you know what a Lord of the Rings triathlon is? -No? -That’s when you watch all three of them

What do you call a Greek intellectual that only eats kimchee? An Epikorean.