what I love about whole foods is you can fit $50 worth of groceries in a stylish evening clutch

TIL Harriet Tubman wasn’t a real person. It was just what the slaves shouted to each other on the Underground Railroad, “Hurry it up, man!” Credit: my wife

What do you call frozen hamburger patties? Burrrrrrgers.

I lost my mood ring last night… I’m not sure how I feel about that

Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously

I recently received a certificate for the breast stroke. Although the Judge called it a restraining order.

Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales? He wanted to see how much the milky weighed!

Does anyone want a vacuum cleaner? Mine’s just gathering dust.

Before my girlfriend moved in I always had one night stand Now that things are getting serious we have two night stands

GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye GUY 2: I just ate a bird GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u TOGETHER: there must be a better way NARRATOR: windshields