So I used to date this graphic designer… We broke up because I caught her cheating. Writing hundreds of letters to some guy named Lorem Ipsum. What a creep, right?

Right now, a future teen mom is applying copious amounts of body glitter to herself.

Most boots are made for walkin’. Chuck Norris’ boots ain’t that merciful.

Someone told me to stop singing Wonderwall I said maybe

I have a voluntary version of Tourette’s.

I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic has his fav book made into a movie & the characters are nothing like he imagined them

I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN

Do you know what a Freudian slip is? It’s when you mean one thing but fuck your mother.

What are the four food groups? For bachelors: Fast Frozen Junk and Spoiled. For drinkers: Malt Hops Barley and Yeast. For heavies: Caffeine Fat Sugar Chocolate.

I bet the terrorists have a guy who does parody songs named Weird Al Qaedavic.