Did you see the frog perform in the opera last night? Why yes, she was absolutely ribbeting.

FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat? ME: FRIEND: ME: to what?

What did the Squirtle say to the Charmander? (X-post from /r/pokemon) Squirtle

After months of trying to find a job… …my mate has recently found work in making chess pieces. He starts next week on nights.

Two fish are in a tank. One fish turns to the other and says “Do you know how to drive this thing?” The other fish says “Holy shit a talking fish!”

What do you call an alligator that wins a race? A chompion. (7-year old me thought he was very clever.)

Did you hear the one about the pizza? Ugh, nevermind. It’s too cheesy.

Why didn’t the astronauts stay on the moon? Because it was a full moon and there was no room.

My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.

My parents tried to abort me but I was still born.