What do you call a stoned, dyslexic crow? A hybrid

Why did the scuba diver drop out of graduate school? Because he was always below a C

My friend said he knew of a way to always win in Russian roulette I can’t tell you what it was, but let’s just say… My mind was blown

Have you ever thought about the word racecar and how it’s a palindrome? Put it backwards and it spells racecar, put it sideways and it kills Paul Walker.

This guy just rubbed up against me so hard in line at Starbucks now I know what an altar boy feels like.

Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring? He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile.

Why can’t you hear pterodactyls go to the bathroom? Because dinosaurs went extinct 65 million years ago.

“Ok, imagine a fleshlight, but full of food.” – Hot Pocket sales pitch

132 LEGS AND 8 TEETH Q: What has 132 legs and 8 teeth? A: The front row of a Garth Brooks concert!

How do you titillate an ocelot? You oscillate its tits a lot.