Diet day 1 I have removed all the bad food from the house. It was delicious.

Cop: You know your license’s expired? Me: Didnt even know it was sick. Cop: Haha! Me: HAHA! Cop: Hehe.. Me: Eheh.. Cop: Step out of the car.

African American Letters. They are all blackmail.

The heaviest things in the world: 4) iron 3) lead 2) tungsten 1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up

My Father always said “You should fight fire with fire” He didn’t last long as a fireman.

Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”

Can we all agree the biggest balls belong to the first person to set up a tip jar at Starbucks?

You’re so beautiful Sometimes I have to photoshop you to make you look less attractive! – Zach Anner

What does a Catholic priest and a silver medalist have in common? They both came in a little behind.

Three blind lesbians walk into a fish market. They get confused