Walking past a new employee’s desk & yelling, “Do you think it’s a good idea to be surfing porn on your first day?” will never get old.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularly… and for the same reason.

I feel like I’m not giving my followers enough in my tweets. Would you be interested in stock tips or free shampoo samples?

When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised

RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?

What do you call a singer who sells meat? A Deli.

If it’s not Valentine’s Day and you see a man in flower shop, you can probably start the conversation with “What did you do?”.

Cop just pulled me over, said I was going too fast. So I took him to dinner first.

Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like? Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.

Reenacting the Civil War seems like a lot of work. I’d much rather reenact the Cola War from my couch. First is the battle of Whiskey.