I told my mom that bukkake is Japanese for bundt cake… I hope I’m there when she orders dessert at the steak house.

If I’m your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.

How many sorority girls does it take to change a lightbulb? Seven. One to change it, two to take pictures, and four to make t-shirts for the event.

What Not To Upvote Clickbait

Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English

I hate Mexican jokes… Nunca puedo entenderlos. Edit: The translation of this is “I never understand them”.

I submitted 10 puns to a local newspaper, hoping one would make it in. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

I met a sick bird yesterday that got deported. The cops kept yelling about him being an “ill-eagle”.

I went to Africa recently… …and I saw that they used Co2 as fuel instead of petrol or diesel. I couldn’t believe it and I exclaimed, “Madagascar!”

St. Peter: “Spock?” Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.” St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”