How many men from the US swim team does it take to open a door? Just one if its lochte’d

What’s the difference between a Canadian and an Italian? Where the “eh” is in the sentence. Canadian: “How you doin, eh?” Italian: “Eh! How you doin?”

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: I’m terribly sorry. I suffer from colon cancer.

I accidentally gave my wife super glue instead of Chapstick She’s still not talking to me.

what do you call a sleep-walking nun? A Roman Catholic

How many mottophobics does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Who do you think broke the filament in the first place?

[commercial for soup] Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it? NARRATOR: SOUP

What’s a sailor’s least favorite color? Maroon

[NSFW] Useless things Q: What are the most useless items ever invented? A: Condoms. If you need one, she’s too old.

I was trying to think of a joke about leprechauns… …but I lucked out