What do you call a deer without eyes? No-eye deer! Note: we are from Hicksville, USA. This may not make sense without the Midwestern accent.

So I suggested to my wife that she’d look sexier with her hair back… Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

Chinese people have small eyes but…. At least its big enough to see their penis.

If I was Genghis Khan’s personal advisor Every time he had a moment of self doubt, I’d remind him he is Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t.

When my wife and I have a disagreement, I always have the last word… usually it’s, “Yes Dear”

What’s the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler? Michael Phelps can actually finish a race

So there I was, balls deep in a jar of mayonnaise. When I said to myself, “Self…” “I shoulda made a sandwich first.”

*puts stethoscope up to chest* Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen “Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?” *Im in the bushes giggling*

I like my coffee like I like my women…. Ground up and in the freezer!

Why are feet so funny? Because they’re “heel areas” … I’ll show myself out