Do you have 11 protons? Because you’re sodium fine…

What do you call a dirty drug addict with a lisp? Methy

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.

Every Political Ad Ever: I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche. *Paid for by my rich guy friends*

TIL the shorter urinals aren’t for kids. They’re for black dudes that need room to dangle.

whenever someone says happy birthday…. all I hear is “Happy anniversary of the day your face rubbed your moms vagina”

Why is called a Pap Smear? Sounds better than a Cunt Scrape

I hate when I shoot someone with finger pistols but I forgot to take the safety off so nothing happened and NOW IT’S SO AWKWARD 🙁

What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom? A pickpocket snatches watches and a peeping Tom watches snatches

What do you pasta with a witty comeback? Retortellini.