What do a guy crossing Niagara falls on a tight rope and a guy getting a blowjob from a 90 year old have in common? Both are thinking don’t look down, just don’t look down.

Said the masochist to the sadist: “Oh hit me, hurt me, oh please just use me” Said the sadist to the masochist: … no

Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.

My favorite moment of the day is deciding I’m not going to do anything productive. That moment is now.

What do you call the Israeli PM when he switches search engines? Benjamin Netangoogle

What do you call the study of food prices? EcoNOM-NOM-NOMics.

What did Jaws call his solo banking firm? Loan shark.

What do you call a homosexual on rollerskates? Rolaids!

Doctor, doctor, what can I do? Everyone thinks I’m a liar… I find that very hard to believe!

The only reason I get up in the morning is so I can drink at night.