Procrastination is like masturbation… … it feels good while you’re doing it, but you’re only fucking yourself.

On the subject of jokes we made up as kids, what do you call a group of hams? A meating!

Knock knock. (Who’s there?) Ric Flair. Ric Flair WHOOO?!

*buys roofies, slips then into girlfriends drink, plays video games for 8 hours straight in peace and quiet*

What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom? One snatches your watch and the other watches your snatch.

Guy calls 911… …says, “Help me, help me, my wife’s having a baby!” 911 Operator says, “Ok, sir, remain calm, is this her first child?” Guy says “No, it’s her fucking husband!”

The longest Joke in the world. I don’t know if its ever been posted on here but here it is again if it has! http://longestjokeintheworld.com/

The police came to my door and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes My dogs don’t even have bikes

Why was the baby strawberry sad? His mom was in a jam.

Goats have it all figured out. All disputes should be settled with an aggressive series of headbutts.