14 called me an idiot today No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child I mean 14 people

I asked the girl I’ve been dating to see Fifty Shades of Grey with me this weekend, but I think she’s worried were moving too fast. She seemed concerned and said she didn’t want to be tied down.

There’s a party in my pants and everyone’s invited but nobody ever shows up. I wish my pants would stop throwing parties. It’s humiliating.

Why would you put a laxative In pot brownies? Shits and giggles.

How do you make a dead baby float ? Two scoops of ice-cream and one scoop of dead baby.

Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat! Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!

Some songs contain sirens which alert you to the fact that you have shitty taste in music.

[meets a cute girl from Scotland] “Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”

How do you say Thanksgiving in Native American? Last Supper

*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*