Two biologists are discussing a new book on amphibians… Biologist 1: What did you think of the chapter on frogs? Biologist 2: Oh it was quite ribbiting.

Yo mama’s like the sun you look at her to long you will go blind!

What’s the difference between light and hard? You can’t sleep with a light on

I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.

If Yoda were to do a Chicken impression… If Yoda were to do a Chicken impression and say Cock-a-doodle-doo. Would he be asking someone to draw a penis?

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news ME: *pulls an apple from pocket* DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS

Did you hear about the origami master who lost his job? His office went paperless.

How does an idiot call for his dog? He puts two fingers in his mouth and then shouts Rover.

What’s the difference between a baby and a submarine? I’ve never been in a submarine.

Don’t you hate when someone has a great tweet idea, but they TOTALLY fuck up the wording, and it’s you?