Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”

In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.

i have a favorite bike in spin class it looks just like my bed and also its my bed

Longest joke in the world Here it is: http://www.longestjokeintheworld.com

What do Bud Light and having sex in a canoe have in common? They’re both fucking close to water.

Why are men smarter during sex? Because they’re plugged into a fucking know it all

How to ruin a movie with one word… **Batman Begins** College **The Longest Yard** Sale **Charlotte’s Web** Cam Add your own in the comments!

What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed? Oh sheeeeeettttt!

An Italian family is sitting quietly at a table in a restaurant

what do you call a dog magician? A labracadabrador.