Yesterday I took laxatives and laughing gas at the same time…… For shits and giggles.

My girlfriend is homophobic… she’s afraid I’m a gay.

Cop: where ya headed? “the gym” Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you “thank you so much, officer”

I got a new job breaking up suicidal couples. I’m not very good at it, two of them already tied the knot.

The rush I get from completing a crossword puzzle leads me to believe that trying hard drugs would destroy my life within hours.

How did the lame person feel when he was teased by people? He couldn’t stand it.

Why did the mafia cross the road? Hey forget about it

Why don’t vegans eat chicken? Because it contains egg…

Do you know what my friend said before he kicked the bucket? He said, “Look how far I can kick this bucket.”

How many ears does Mr. Spock have? Three. One left ear, one right ear, and a Final Front-ear.