What did the boy vampire say to the girl vampire? See you next period.

If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”

I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me… …to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Did you hear the one about the magic tractor? It went down the road and turned into a field

My ex asked me why I never payed attention to her I told her to repeat that again, the TV was distracting me.

Best Comebacks If you want my comeback you can scrape it off your mother’s teeth (leave more in the comments)

My mate was devasted when a stunning Syrian lady stopped messaging him on a dating site . I told him don’t worry there’s plenty more refugee’s in the sea

There are 5 Types of Matter… Gas Solid Liquid Plasma and most importantly Black Lives

I want to own a basketball franchise in Miami and I want to name the team humidy… Then when someone asks if its the heat I can go “its not the heat, its the humidity.”

The last one on the news After the protests from the taxi drivers against uber, prostitutes from all over the world started to rise against tinder