How’d the hillbilly Stump the Trump? He Berned it.

What does a arsonist and a bartender have in common? For special occasions, their cocktails are on the house.

wife: How was work? [flashback to me being asked to leave the meeting because I couldn’t stop giggling after someone said “abreast”] me:Good

Anne Frank showed a cunning and resolve that any Jew would have been proud of. Two years rent free.

It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.

First witch: My beauty is timeless. Second witch: Yes it could stop a clock.

My friend said she’s had kidney problems since she was 7 I told her it’s fine cause once she turns 18 she’ll get adult knees

A Match Made in Heaven God grabbed a box of cigarettes and pulled one out. He put it in his mouth when he realized he had nothing to light it with.

[blind date gets in car] Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.

Possum 911: What’s your emergency Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD! Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing? Possum: Oh yeah