What is the difference between a football player and a new pimp? The football player *kicks* *punts.*

I’m vegan until my next paycheck.

What is the difference between a black man and a bench? A bench can support a family.

“Do you know why I pulled you over?” “You thought I’d like your pretty lights?” “Recite the alphabet backwards” “I can’t even do that sober”

Two monkeys get into a bath… The first monkey says: “OOOO OOO AHHHH AHHHH AHHHH”. The second monkey says: “Put some cold in then.”

Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll add to the global overdepletion of the oceans. So just give him the fish.

I like the phrase “I wasn’t born yesterday” because it emphasizes the fact that babies are stupid.

I just got a job circumcising elephants. The pay is terrible, but the tips are huge.

wife: You’re going to work like that? me: Yeah, it’s casual day [20 minutes later] *calls wife* me: Can you bring me a shirt?

Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash* McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.