There are 3 kinds of people in the world. Those who can count and those who can’t.

What’s the difference between feminists and Nazis? The Nazis shaved.

What do you call a black girl under age 30 named Sarah? Identity thief.

We’re sorry Micky Mouse, but your wife being crazy is not reasonable grounds for a divorce! I didn’t say she was crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy!

I chose to be gay because women are such assholes to me. Fuck em

What if earth rotates 30 times faster? Interviewer:”If the Earth rotates 30 times faster, what will happen?” engineer:”We will get our salary everyday” 😀 Think Greedily Act Confidently

The volume of sewage burdening my local treatment works is rising excrementally.

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

I never expected my dad to steal from his road construction job… but when I got home all of the signs were there.

I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?