When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.

Working for sanitation truly is a thankless job Not only do you have to take your boss’s shit, you have to deal with everyones

I’ve fallen in love with a pencil and we’re getting married… I can’t wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

Jeb Bush should come out as being gay to get the Jewish vote. Jews have a strong record of listening to flaming bushes.

Which mythical creature casts no reflection? All of them, technically.

Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.

How can you tell the Ethiopian diplomat at a political function? He’s the one with the gold Rolex around his neck.

“Science HAS gone too far,” I whisper, gazing out across the sea of boneless chickens slithering through the farmyard. The Colonel laughs.

Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.

What do women and tornadoes have in common? They both moan like hell when they come and take the house when they leave.