[to other patients in psychiatrist’s waiting room] I’m not like you people. This is court mandated.

Son,wanking will make you blind.. I said dad, I’m over here

Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.

another one What is Khaleds fav number? 11 because it has another 1

I got a hand job yesterday I’m now officially a sign language interpreter

What idiot called it the “Happy Birthday” song instead of New Age music

if you hold a turtle shell up to your ear you can hear a turtle biting on your ear you dumb idiot

Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed! Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster? Son: No [from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”

How does a mathematician get Tan? Sin/Cos

I’m surprisingly calm about Internet spoiling Star Wars to me. Who could believe Kylo Ren is actually vegetarian and grandson of General Akbar