“Push harder” I shouted at my wife while she was in labor… “Screw you” she screamed back at me. Bit harsh I thought…… it wasn’t my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!

[2 detectives are at a murder scene] “my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?” … “a lasagne driving a car?” “Exactly”

Nothing makes me feel like this exercise plan is working than the whistles & shouts coming from the jail when I run by.

What did the zombie body builder say? GAINSSS!!!

I’m glad the Chicago Cubs finally won the World Series. 108 years of hibernation just doesn’t seem healthy.

Why did the adobe acrobat document go to jail? Because it was a pdf file.

Business people in the UK like their beards like they like their tea Goatee

A shark walked into a bark…

5yo: Why is he crying? Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo. 5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison? M: What? 5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.

What’s the worst punchline on /r/jokes? I haven’t got the faintest idea.