Who granted the fish’s wish? Fairy codmother

Fun fact about Germany… Fooled ya… There’s nothing funny about Germany

Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.” Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?” Me: “No, mustard.”

If Betty White killed someone, I wouldn’t turn her in.

Remember, Mondays are fine. It’s your life that sucks.

What’s the difference between a corn husker with tourettes, and a prostitute with diarrhea? One fits before they shuck, the other shits before they fuck.

Your girlfriend is much prettier with her hair down. And by down’ I mean over her face’.

Go down a water slide when it isn’t wet. And then you’ll understand the importance of foreplay.

Why are waste facility managers so successful? Because they’re always on top of their shit!

Why Aren’t Elephants Allowed On The Beach?… Because they always blow their trunks off!