I know some folks who could use a 12 step program. Where 11 of those steps should be to the edge of a cliff.

Hippies say the darndest things… What did the hippy say when he was told to get off the couch and get a job? Namaste (pronounced:nah I’ma stay)

They say shoe size correlates with penis size… …which makes getting raped by a clown that much more terrifying.

So my foreign professor overheard some attractive girls talking about how they like it long and hard. The exam the next morning sucked.

That’s one healthy flower bed you’ve got blooming in your backyard. How many bodies do you have buried there? -My attempts at small talk.

how is sex like math? You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there’s no multiplying.

Nietzsche: God is dead God: Nietzsche is dead [they both turn to camera] THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES

All good things must come to an end, which means shitty things last forever.

Why do bees have sticky hair? They use honeycombs.

Why did the chicken cross the road? *To get to the other side.*