Instructions for having an adventure: 1. Stand outside restaurant. 2. Wait for someone to ask if you’re the valet. 3. Say yes.

A man asked his wife what she wanted for Valentine’s Day: Wife: “A divorce.” Husband: “I really wasn’t planning on spending that much.”

Can someone please lecture me on their political views in an aggressive and condescending tone so I may realize the error of my ways?

Today is the rest of the world’s 9/11 No, seriously, look up the calendar.

I was talking to my buddy about 50 Shades Of Grey He said “yeah, my wife and I have been doing S&M for years.” “Really!”, I said, “I had no idea!” “Sure,” he said, “she sleeps and I masturbate!”

Why can’t Americans play chess ? Because they are missing two towers.

“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…” Me – “dead”

yo mama so fat that when she puts on her yellow rain coat and walks down the street people shout out cab!

Copyright In India, copyright means the right to copy.

The Little Mermaid (1989) The story of a girl who realizes that she should change EVERYTHING about herself to land a good man…