A whorehouse got burned down today… Some came out running, and some ran out cummimg.

About to eat at the Cheesecake Factory/commit a hate crime against my butthole.

Today I asked my mom what she did for a living, she replied “I’m a headmaster”. To which my dad replied “yeah she is”

Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.

You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly.

How does a plant walk? It uses a plant stand.

There is a clerk at the butcher shop. He is 5’10” and wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weight? Meat.

Why does Bernie know he’ll win the elections? Because his good friend Nostradamus told him he would.

[God making African animals] Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.

What happens when a muppet gives you a blowjob? A handjob