If there is a difference between a minor inconvenience and the end of the fucking world, you’d never know if from my histrionics.

What’s the difference between Bud Light and piss? The vortex bottle

White boards aren’t just great They’re remarkable

I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.

One day a blonde and her friend were walking through the park. Suddenly the blonde’s friend said “Oh look a dead birdie!” The blonde looked up and said “Where?”

If I had a dollar for every gender that there is… If I had a dollar for every gender that there is, I’d have 2 dollars.

Two Arabs are on a plane. One orders a bottle of Champagne and asks the other “do you want some?”. The other replies “No thanks, I’ll have to drive soon”.

What is the heaviest surgical intervetion that can be done to women ? Getting money and dicks out of their minds.

What was wrong with the homeless guy’s IPad It was missing a home button!

My girlfriend left because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impression. But don’t worry… I’ll return.