What has 4 wheels and flies? A garbage truck.

What do you call a psychic who is neither elated or depressed A happy medium

Fall is Pumpkin time In the south, they think its time to screw their cousins Pump kin

The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG

Sixteen sodiums walk into a bar… …followed by Batman.

There are three types of people in this world: The ones who can count, and the ones who can’t.

What comes after sextillion? Babytillion! (Creds: my math professor who has her doctorate in mathematics)

When I see someone pushing a dog in a stroller I understand why the news is filled with murder.

Police: Why didn’t you report your stolen credit card? Man: The thief was spending less than my wife. Police: Then why are you reporting it now? Man: I think now the thief’s wife has started using it!

A horse walks into a bar… and the bartender asks, “hey, why the long face?”