If you fall I will be there – Floor

On one hand, your leaving a wadded up Kotex on the bathroom floor is a great appetite suppressant. On the other hand, that’s fucking gross.

Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room

Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?

What do you call a cannibal that eats relatives? Munchkin.

What’s the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick? The hockey player takes a shower after three periods.

You should never tease a fat girl with a lisp. She’s probably thick and tired of it.

Drinking this No More Tears shampoo is just making me sadder.

I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.

ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf. HER: *giggling* So, my place or… ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers* HER: WHAT THE