Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants. Me: These are my legs.

A crocodile goes to the doctor.. It turns out the crocodile was suffering from ereptile dysfunction.

I have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on. This one was written in London.

Terrorist Pick-Up Line “Hey girl, is your ass America? Because I want to destroy it.”

GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!” Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Don’t mess with me! I’ve got a black belt… It’s brown on the other side.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I cant even get into my own pants.

the american journal of medicine says diarrhea is hereditary. .. …it runs in the jeans.

When I text “K.”, I worry my amigos will think I’m asking them to repeat themselves but then I remember that this joke is terrible.

What is the best way to talk to a vampire? By long distance.