What do they call Miley Cyrus in France? Kilometrey Cyrus.

Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief

Why did the cowboy get a dachshund? Cause he was told to get a long little doggy.

NEW EXPRESSIONS “Kanye bless you.” “Kanye damn it!” “One nation, under Kanye.” “Thank Kanye Almighty!” “The Kanyefather, Part II”

Didn’t think these orthopedic shoes would work, but I stand corrected.

What do you call a girl who plays tennis on her knees? Courtney.

WHAT DO WE WANT? A NAP!! THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?

Why is the all-lisp percussion section so quiet? Because thimbles aren’t very loud.

Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.

All of the construction that was slowing down traffic during the summer is over now. I don’t know why they can’t repair those cones indoors.