Why did the cowboy get a daschund Because he wanted to “get a long little doggie”

When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.

My wife drove us into town today, she parked up in a sidestreet. I said, “I’ll get a taxi from here.” “Where to?” She replied. “To the f*cking kerb.”

In future period films set in the late 2000s/early 2010s, I hope they accurately portray all 16:9 televisions showing stretched 4:3 content.

I wish I had emo hair So it would cut itself.

If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.

My inappropriate uncle told me this one when I was 11: Where do cousins come from? ant holes

*sees a guy snap fingers at a server. I reach for my bag* Wife: No. We only have one left. We have a baby. Me: (to genie) take his fingers

Knock knock… Who’s there? Go fuck yourself.

I refuse to text and drive… I always end up spilling my beer.