I used to own a racing snail… It never won though. To improve its performance I removed its shell but, if anything, it made it more sluggish

My priest was pretty upset today. Nobody at mass bought him a Father’s Day card.

Have you seen Stevie wonders new house? He hasn’t either

[After date, walking her to her door] Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.

Sex is like listening to the Beatles Your parents do it and it somehow doesn’t make it less cool. Shout out to CH, because I heard it here.

What’s the difference between a Russian ambassador and a chicken? The Russian ambassador is Turkey

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? A Quarter-Pounder with Cheese.

What’s a control freaks favorite macro? Control+U

My 20y/o brother went to Elementary school.. To learn firebending

Why are rivers lazy? Because they never get off their beds.