Why is the Canadian Mint so confusing? Because they don’t make any cents.

me: wow the stars are beautiful gf: omg babe they really are me: u know who else is beautiful? gf: *blushes* who? :3 me: Harambe

Nice selfie, I love the way the light brings out the bat sh*t crazy psycho in your eyes.

8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher? Me: Yes. 8yo: Where? Me:… 8yo: WHERE! 6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading. Me: I’m up.

Modern Haircuts by Sean Head

Why do women have legs? Have you seen the mess snails make?

What do you do when you are riding a horse, and a cheetah and ostrich are chasing you? You get your drunk ass off the carousel!

Had to stop watching Game of Thrones with my parents tonight, because of all the sex. So I’ve recorded it to watch after they’ve finished.

Do you ever get the feeling that you’re being watched? Because if it’s bothering you I’ll stop.

If a blind girl says you have a big dick.. She probably is just pulling your leg.