Cop: [knocks] Dinosaur: can I help you? Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire [Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]

I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.

SCIENTISTS: We’ve discovered a massive black hole with no obvious qualities ME: Ok wow I’m right here

What song do pigs sing on New Year’s Eve? Auld Lang Swine.

Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.

What do you use to check your cell from across the room? A telephono lens.

I like my men like I like my coffee… Nowhere near my vagina. A little lesbian humor….I’m not gay I just couldn’t resist….too good 🙂

Think of how old we’re gonna feel when Honey Boo Boo dies from an overdose.

My stats teacher told me I was average. I thought that was mean.

My girlfriend was dropping all these hints about tying the knot or taking the plunge… so I tied a rock around her ankle and pushed her off the pier. She hasn’t called since…